What Not to Wear

What not to wear. Tackling such a subject is a bit daunting because there are soooo many no-nos in the fashion world. Crap, I wish I had a picture for every fashion nightmare I encountered in a given day. And, this certainly isn't to say that my fashion sense is perfect and that I get it right every single time. Fashion is, of course, subjective. But I do have some common sense in putting an outfit together and I take pride in it.

To maintain some kind of focus here, I thought I would provide some insight on someone I work with. For my own safety and security, I'll refer to my lovely subject as Amanda.

Amanda

God bless 'er. The girl has been losing some weight over the last year, so it's been fun for her to wear different things, buy new pants and shirts, and....wear her daughter's clothes. First, if you are in your mid-thirties with a 14 year old daughter, it's probably safe to assume that your daughter's skinny jeans were not made for your post-baby figure. Don't get me wrong. There is beauty in every body, shape, color and size. However, because you can fit into it, doesn't mean you should wear it.

Let's paint a picture here (I sooo wish I had some pictures of this girl! For some reason, I think she would be a bit curious as to why I'm randomly taking her picture.).

The Skinny Cat

I refer to these jeans as the Skinny Cat because, well, there's a big a** cheetah, jaguar-looking embroidered design that covers one back pocket and trails down the side of the skinny leg...in gold stitching. The top she wears varies so one example is a layered shirt consisting of a tank or cami underneath an over-sized, off-the-shoulder number that hits at the top of the waist. The cami is too big so the straps are constantly falling off the shoulder along with the bra straps. To make this more appealing, we are sometimes lucky enough to get a boob shot in there. 'Nuff said.

Then there's the Jennifer Lopez.

I am a big fan of Jennifer Lopez's style and she's absolutely gorgeous and stunning. So, to clarify, this is by no means a slam on Jenny From the Block. For some reason, the ensemble just reminds me of something she would wear but more appropriately and beautifully, of course.

Okay, moving on. This particular outfit entails a long burgundy sweater shirt/dress worn with black leggings. The waist is cinched with a wide black belt with an additional gold metallic belt paired with it. It sort of resembles a chain but also reminds me of a charm bracelet I got from my grandma when I was about 7 years old. You know what I'm talking about...the chipped, fake gold-plated bracelet with hideous charms that only an adolescent can appreciate. It sounded okay until I mentioned the gold belt, huh?

Shoes. I like ballet flats and I don't even care where they come from if they're comfortable and look good. The ballet flats reminded me of a pair I got from Walmart when I was 8 years old and they had a bow made of skinny string tied up on the toe. They're made of that really soft pleather that eventually inherits the cracked leather creases and the black on the outside of the shoe starts to peel off. Ok! Now can you picture it?! Yep...these are the ones paired with the Jennifer Lopez.

I think she may have even gotten a call from Jennifer Lopez asking her to NEVER, EVER, EVER go through her early 90's collection of clothing again!

The hair. This chick has a TON of hair that would probably be gorgeous if it was properly managed. It's really long and thick with natural wave. But she lets it air dry and then combs through it so it's really frizzy and bushy. There was one time when wearing this outfit that she thought the side pony tail would be hot. More like a hot mess. This isn't the sweet little side pony at the nape of the neck. This, my friends, is the 80's side pony that sits really high. Add one of those clipped bows, and you're in the money. WHAT?!

One might wish they didn't have to witness such horrific fashion drama. But, hey, I have daily entertainment and something to gripe about.

Next time we'll introduce another coworker of mine, whom we will refer to as Debbie. Until then, before you get dolled up in your next smashing ensemble, ask yourself if you're the train wreck waiting to happen or the well put together and sexy hot mama. Let's hope for the latter.

Share the Sarcasm

What is it that holds us back from speaking our mind? Why do we refrain from spilling our brilliance everywhere? I mean seriously. All of my intriguing and thought-provoking contemplations stay hidden inside, locked away from the rest of the world. This is. Truly. A disservice to my fellow man.

Why do I do this?

1. While my fear of rejection is slowly dwindling with age….it hasn’t quite dissipated. The thought of someone judging my thoughts and actions makes me cringe and then I am literally ill. I know. Lame, right? See? You’re already judging me.
2. While I am a very genuinely loving, caring, and compassionate person, I am sickly drawn to sarcasm and not everyone is a big fan of that sort of expression. Many times, those quick-witted and honest thoughts are kept to myself. And, it’s really too bad because I truly thrive on it. I am also that person that looks so sweet and innocent. You know…the kind that would never speak ill of their peers? Seriously, some people just need to be told the truth.
3. Most people just don’t get it. Maybe I’m too crass or just need some friends outside of the office environment because when I say something that equates to humor, some just look at me with a blank look on their face and they are unsure as to whether I am serious or trying to make a joke.
4. Most people just aren’t as intelligent as me so it’s very difficult for them to keep up. Kidding.
5. Sometimes, and I mean sometimes, keeping your mouth shut is the smart thing to do. I do still want to keep my job…
6. These reasons could quite possibly go on forever.

When you are the youngest employee and the nice girl that is eager to please, you open the door to being bullied by your peers. I’m an executive administrative assistant…TO THE CEO. The key phrase here is ‘to the CEO’. However, many operate with the antiquated notion that my title is equal to that of a secretary so… they tend to treat me like their b***h. 

After having quite the day at work with good, old-fashioned office drama and others abusing my good nature, this is what I had to say….to my trusty friend, Microsoft Outlook. And, then of course, I deleted it.  

"Someday when I’m “big”, I’m going to squash the little pseudo-superheroes running around this land. Then, I’m going to inject them with a cocktail of Humble Serum and Calm the **** Down Serum. Mmmm. One day……."

How about you? Do you struggle with speaking your mind? Are your quick-witted jokes and comments misunderstood? Or, do you have the bold confidence to just tell it like it is no matter the situation? Those people do exist, you know.